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How to Handle Your Groomer

The Possum:

Flatten yourself on the grooming table. Resemble a pancake super-glued on the table. And remain totally limp! Your groomer will have to struggle with “dead” weight until exhausted.

The Far Side:

Whatever part of your body your groomer decides to work on, move that part to the far side of the table. Make the groomer continually pull you back within arm’s reach.

The Scream:

For no reason, and at very unexpected moments, scream as if your are mortally injured. Scares the #@$#! out of your groomer.

The Saber Tooth:

This technique works best if you first pretend to be accommodating.  Give your groomer lots of sweet looks and kisses.  And then, when least expected, bare your incisors and lunge at an exposed hand. (You will then be muzzled, so make your first “Saber” a good one!).

The Rigor Mortis:

Take the body part intended for attention, and keep it stiff! (For example, if groomer is looking to clip the top of your head, point your nose at the ceiling so the top of your head is unavailable, and then make your neck rigid.) Groomer wants to work on your feet? Do the same. Tuck them under your body and go rigid. Repeat ad infinitum!

The Full Body Herky-Jerky:

Just keep on keepin’ on!! Keep tugging, dancing, wiggling, flopping, biting, growling, stiffening, and straining. Your ‘groomer’ will be so confused and tired after thirty minutes of this, they may take you to the tub, and totally forget about doing your nails!

The Achy Breaky Heart:

Remember to look totally miserable!  Tremble all over continuously. Look sad. Stare with gloom into space.  Make your eyes moist and silently plead with them. This causes a kind groomer to feel guilty. Remember, a skilled dog can inflict a lot of agony.